So Alive
by drea0037
Summary: Please read and review


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@}~~`~~  
  
Summertime  
  
And the wind is blowing outside  
  
It's just you and me  
  
And I don't know  
  
What I'm doing in the city  
  
The sun is always in my eyes...  
  
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It was bright and sunny outside. The few clouds in the sky were brilliantly white and fluffy, and they moved lazily through the sky. He inhaled the day and let it wash over him. He could smell the fragrant aroma of the fallen Cherry Blossom blooms that littered the city streets. They made sort of a pale pink and white carpet that danced through the air with the slightest gust of wind. Usually, he found them rather annoying. They were always caught in his hair or his clothes, but today he didn't mind. He was unusually contented. It was a beautiful day and for a while he had her all to himself. She was walking silently at his side. He looked over at her, feeling her eyes on him. She smiled. it was that same disarming grin of hers. He loved the way that it lit up her entire face and, strangely enough, he loved the way it made his heart skip a beat. He smiled back at her. Recently, he had discovered that if he smiled at her she would always smile back. He found himself smiling more often now. Most of the time it was for her. He would do anything to make her smile. Sometimes, though, he found himself smiling even when she wasn't there to see it. With a sudden movement, she had leapt up onto a low ledge of a wall bordering the sidewalk. She ran her hands along the iron bars of the fence that protruded from the ledge as she walked. Nearing the end of the ledge she stopped and turned on her heel, waiting for him to catch up.  
  
"Kyo-kun, it's such a beautiful day!"  
  
He hardly trusted his voice and so he grunted by way of an answer. She was obviously used to this and continued.  
  
"Yuki-kun said he would be home late from his meeting and Shigure-san said he won't be home for dinner."  
  
His heart soared. He cherished the time that he was able to spend alone with her, although he would never tell anyone so. Suddenly, she clapped her hands together and spun in a complete circle on her toes. Her skirt billowed in the wind and the sun silhouetted her body. He squinted. She looked like and angel with the rays of the sun for wings.  
  
"We could have a picnic! It would be just Kyo-kun and me. Wouldn't that be nice?"  
  
He felt another uncharacteristic smile creep onto his face. She seemed so happy.  
  
"I'd like that." He heard himself say.  
  
"Really?"  
  
With a short jump she landed on the pavement next to him. Adeptly, she removed the grocery bag from one of his hands and slipped her own small, soft hand into his rough, calloused one.  
  
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It crashes through the windows  
  
And I'm sleeping on the couch  
  
When I came to visit you  
  
That's when I knew  
  
That I could never have you  
  
I knew that before you did  
  
Still I'm the one who's stupid  
  
And there's this burning  
  
Like there's always been  
  
I've never been so alone  
  
And I've never been so alive  
  
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Kyo awoke on the couch a few hours later. The horizontal blinds had been disturbed and a single bar of light was pouring in. Someone must have come and put a blanket over him. It was made out of a thin, scratchy material. Something you would expect to be at a hospital. He looked over to where she lay. Still unmoving and silent. He closed his eyes again. He willed himself to be somewhere else. Anywhere else. Somewhere where she wasn't hurt. And then he noticed him. He was sitting very close to her, with his head laying on the edge of of her bed. His fingers were intertwined with hers. He felt his face go red. He understood finally. The rat was just playing a game. And as always, he had won. Silently, he stalked out of the room.  
  
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Memories of the way it was in days gone by  
  
The fists would fly right before your eyes  
  
And you dont mind  
  
You smile  
  
And then my heart jumps into my throat  
  
I don't deserve you  
  
You're so serene  
  
Careening through my universe  
  
Your axis on a tilt  
  
You're guiltless and free  
  
I hope you take a piece of me with you  
  
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He remembered the fight vividly. He had sent the rat flying through the kitchen door where she stood, shocked. She had begged them not to fight. And she had cried. It had almost broken his heart. Right then he vowed never to let her see them fight again. He would do anything for her.  
  
"You don't love her!"  
  
"She doesn't love you."  
  
He wanted to shake the rat's always calm appearance. It seemed as if he had no emotion. Her love was wasted on him. Hate washed over Kyo as he realized that once again the rat had bested him. Standing in front of him was everythng he wanted to be. Yuki had everything that was missing in his life. Especially her. And he took it all for granted.  
  
"Kuso nezumi!"  
  
He had felt his fist connect to the rat's face before he had even realized what he was doing. It was possibly the only attack that he had ever landed, and yet, it felt neither gratifying or triumphant. His knuckles were bleeding profusely, but he barely noticed. He had not known the Tohru was in the kitchen. She had bent down over Yuki and pressed her soft hand to his face to stem the flow of blood coming from the gash under Yuki's left eye. She threw her other hand up in the air towards him as if to stop him from attacking again.  
  
"Please don't fight."  
  
She had whispered it over and over as she cried. Somewhere deep inside, he crumbled. He wanted to throw himself at her feet and tell her everything. Tell her that he was sorry and beg for forgiveness. Yuki simply lay there. His violet eyes silently daring him. But Kyo knew better. Instead, the cat in him made him just slink away, silently.  
  
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And there's things I would like to do  
  
That I just can't do  
  
I would like to tell you  
  
Just how you make me feel  
  
And there's this burning  
  
Like there's always been  
  
I've never been so alone  
  
And I've never been so alive  
  
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They had eaten their sandwiches in relative silence. The blanket they had brought was small and they were forced to sit rather close together. She was staring off towards the lake, watching the ducks float across the surface. Cautiously, so as not to let her know, he stared at her face. He watched the way her hair blew in the wind. He tried to memorize every curve and line of her face. Closing his eyes he let the image burn into his brain. At that moment, he knew he loved her. He wasn't sure when it had happened or how. Suddenly, he had the urge to tell her everything. He wanted to tell her how she made him feel. He wanted her to know how everytime he saw her, his heart beat faster. He wanted to tell her smile made his stomach do flip-flops. And he wanted to tell her that if she loved him back, his life would be complete.  
  
"Tohru..."  
  
She turned her head to look at him. Now that he had her attention, he could see her eyes. They were curiously interested and he felt his heart race and a lump form in his throat. He knew that in two seconds he would lose his courage and the ability to speak. He had a chance to tell her everything. And he let it pass by. Something in his brain kept him from telling her. And he would have liked to. He just couldn't.  
  
"Nevermind..."  
  
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Where's my soul I want to know  
  
Is it's essense evil  
  
My surface is everything  
  
And I could always hide that  
  
Until you saw through that  
  
And this is the last time  
  
I'll see the light again  
  
I can't get over you  
  
I wonder how to try  
  
And there's this burning  
  
Just like there's always been  
  
I've never been so alone  
  
And I've never been so alive  
  
So alive...  
  
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He wasn't sure how he had gotten like this. All he knew is that he was running. But the one thing that he wanted to leave as far behind as possible, he couldn't get rid of. It was attached to him. It was part of him. It was part of who he was. And it sickened him. He always tried to hide it. It had been a mistake to let her know in the first place. The fear in her eyes was enough to kill his heart forever. He wanted to keep runnin. As far and as fast as possible. His lungs heaved and his muscles ached. He tripped clumsily over a tree root and fell. For a long while he lay face down. How could he have let this happen.  
  
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I go home up to the roof  
  
It starts to rain  
  
I stare up at the stars  
  
Alone  
  
Taste the salt and taste the pain  
  
I'm not thinking of you again  
  
Summer dies  
  
The swells rise  
  
The sun goes down in my eyes  
  
See this rolling wave  
  
Darkness coming to take me home  
  
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The rain soaked him through. His hair lay wet on his head and dripped quickly down his nose and face. He didn't wipe it away. He didn't move at all. He wasn't sure that he could anymore. She was gone. There was nothing he could do about it. There was nothing anyone could do about it. No matter how much they wanted to. He felt a single tear slid down his face and mix in with the rain. It was pitch black outside now. He guessed that it was either very late or very early. He had vauge thoughts of dry clothes and some sleep, so he willed himself to stand. His legs were shaky. Slowly, he made his way over to the side of the roof. Suddenly, his feet came out from under him. He felt his upper body come into contact with the side of the roof painfully. He heard the sound of splintering wood and the sickening sound of this own arm breaking. It seemed like an unending fall. The grass was wet and soft. True to cat form he had survived the fall, but he could see a piece of what had once been the ladder poking completely through his abdomen. The red color of his own blood shocked him. He could see it beginning to stain the grass. He tried to move, but realized he couldn't. He tried to speak, but all that came out was a strange croak. He groaned. Somehow, he couldn't even feel the pain. His eyes clouded over and the darkness pressed in on him. He wasn't sure that he believed in an after-life. Although if there was one, he was sure that she would be there. He consoled himself with that thought as he lay there panting. He didn't want to die. Although, he guessed that neither had she. visions of her face danced before his eyes. He smiled.  
  
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And I've never been so alone  
  
And I've never been so alive  
  
@}~~`~~  
  
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